I've started the new semester. Not usually a big deal, but I'm taking that obligatory algebra class I need and more often than not I'm staving off tears when I'm trying to work through a simple concept I should've learned ages ago. There's probably nothing I suck worse at than math. Microbiology is pretty okay so far, but I'm already working myself up into a tizzy at the prospect of doing my 8-10 minute presentation on a to-be-announced pathogen in front of the class. It's just a matter of how much medication I can take and still pull off being somewhat lucid, yet have a grip on my anxiety, too.
Speaking of anxiety and medications, I went to my long overdue visit to the psychiatrist the other day. He evaluated me for about 90 minutes. (After reviewing my dissertation-length self-evaluation.) It was honestly a really hellish experience for me - not because of the doc (he was great; understanding, clinical, and just the right degree of sympathetic. Very unlike anyone I've seen before), but because of my worsening anxiety. I have this problem where if I have to sit down with someone for some kind of meeting or talk (with a doctor especially, but could even be a friend or coworker), I panic in the middle of conversation. I was on .5 of a Xanax at the time, too, which is usually more than enough for most people, but I was still panicking. It scared the shit out of me, because I didn't think I was physiologically capable of having an anxiety attack on that much Xanax. It's just getting so much worse. The social anxiety and generalized anxiety are both becoming less manageable, as well.
But, as I said, he evaluated me with question after question for awhile. Doctors normally write me off as being a junkie or junkie-to-be if I tell them I use Xanax daily, or even occasionally, but this doctor truly understood that I have a disorder. Disorders, that is. His final diagnoses:
Under the umbrella term 'anxiety disorder':
1. OCD (established since I was 5, though)
2. Panic attacks & Agoraphobia
3. Social Anxiety Disorder
4. Generalized Anxiety Disorder
5. Depression/Dysthymia
7. +/- Eating Disorder
6. +/- ADD
The last two are iffy - not official diagnoses, but he thinks they're high risks probably resulting from my anxiety.
Yeah, I'm kind of balking. But not really surprised. This is all shit that has been glaringly obvious to me, but I've refused to acknowledge most of it, because...well, everyone wants to be normal. Or at least functional. But I guess I'm eligible for certain different types of accommodations and scholarships now, so there's that. I just wish I'd had those accommodations in high school. Would've saved myself a lot of time popping pills in the bathroom stall, desperately looking for empty alcoves in the library, and white-knuckling every stupid high-stress school function. Goddamn assemblies. Fuck RHS. Oh my god, the counselors were laughable. Most people have no idea what it's like to have a legitimate panic attack. ("Just take slow, measured breaths. That's right, in and out. Feel your body relaxing. Okay, ready to present to the class now?")
Anyway, I'm on a slew of different medications to manage this shit. I'm used to doctors being so stringent, but this new guy...wow. Told me to keep taking my Xanax as needed, along with some Clonazepam, Prozac, and Trazodone to sleep. Obviously, I'm less than thrilled about being on an SSRI again, but my OCD is so out of control, I need to do something. It's the lowest dose, anyway, and reportedly the most easily tolerated.
I hate the idea of being so dependent on benzos because I know the withdrawal is horrible, but I just can't do this anymore. The self-harming and not eating has to stop, and I need to sleep somehow. I need to be able to leave the house, to go to class and work, to go to the goddamn grocery store, to be able to talk to people again. So if this is what I have to do right now, I guess I'll do it.
I think it's worth noting that I have tried natural things. I didn't just jump to the pharmaceuticals, because I firmly believe in abstaining from them if you can. (Let me reiterate: if you can.) I've tried various dietary changes, massages, different treatments from a naturopath, aromatherapy, and bud. I really gave the latter a go - really, I did. But it usually only exacerbated my anxiety, and would shoot me into a panic attack faster than I could believe. I'm not sure why. I think it's because I felt my reality begin to change, felt myself lose control, and I'm kind of a control freak. I felt like I was losing my mind. So I'd take a Xanax. Then I'd be high on two substances, relaxed and happy, yes, but insatiably hungry. No one else I know has the munchies like I do. No one. And I have food issues. So. No.
The eating...right now, I'm managing. Eating homemade vegan and nutritarian-friendly breakfast and lunch every day, and dinner, if I can fit it. I'm still really calorie/sugar/fat/salt conscious, but I do eat regularly and healthfully. (The only issue is that my blood sugar is getting too low.) But my schedule's so fucked up lately, it's hard to squeeze in meal time. I wish they would schedule me less hours at work. I have so much goddamn homework it isn't even funny. I literally take homework breaks to cry sometimes. I hate this. So much. It takes me hours because I have no idea what I'm doing. But I need the credits if I'm ever going to advance in the medical field. It's just...the math. I'm so far behind academically that I'm embarrassed to get tutoring help. They'd be blown away by how fucking stupid I am.
I've relapsed a couple of times with the self-harming, but I don't think I'm getting much worse. I only ever do it if I'm desperate for some kind of distraction, or something to help calm me down. I can just feel the tension release and then bone-deep exhaustion right after, and so when I'm done, I can usually fall asleep. I'm just so desperate for sleep some nights. The insomnia is getting really bad. Even if I'm extremely sleep-deprived and so tired my eyelids are burning and swollen, I still can't fall asleep most nights. Medication usually helps. But sometimes it doesn't. And those are the nights I get desperate. I just get so crazy without sleep. I think and feel horrible things I probably shouldn't post here. Sometimes I get so tired and I just feel like dying. What I want more than anything right now is a night's worth (every night's worth, but let's not be greedy) of fantastic sleep. Deep, long, uninterrupted sleep. Can you imagine anything lovelier? It makes me happy just thinking about it.
As depressing as this post as been so far, I'm not as depressed as I was a few weeks ago. I do get that depressed, but I'm generally in higher spirits. My moods are like this during the day, in order: normal to nervous --> anxious --> panicky or panicking --> either having anxiety attack or calming down with drugs --> exhaustion from come-down, depression from overall sense of futility at efforts of productivity/remaining calm, and guilt at depending on drugs for any sense of normalcy. Really, though, this is nowhere near the soul-crushing misery I dealt with a few weeks ago. (On my days off, when I don't have to go anywhere or see anyone outside of my family, I get close to happy sometimes.) I saw quite an improvement when I started eating semi-normally again. And I haven't even gained any weight. You'd think I would, after going from eating nothing but a few apples and oranges every day to meals, but I'm sure as hell not complaining.
My moods are usually worse on school days, because I'm constantly trying to achieve perfection, focus on the actual coursework, and socially interact when necessary, all at the same time. It gets very frustrating. Same sort of story on work days, but milder, because it's so simple and kind of going-through-the motions at this point. (You'd think that would depress me, but the familiarity is comfortable, even though I'm not exactly happy.)
I'm stressing so badly about when I'll be able to fit my work-outs in my schedule. I'll just need to take an hour cut. I need to run. It's the only natural thing that gets me out of my head.
The only thing that cheers me up most days is the fact that I'll be moving after the semester is over. I'll stay with my parents if my dad can find a job somewhere in Washington or Oregon, which would be preferable, but if he can't, I'll transfer colleges/jobs (whichever's possible) and move to Oregon on my own. I won't stand another year here. I can't. I'm going nowhere. I don't care how self-pitying or dramatic this sounds, because it's fucking true - I fucking blossom in any place I've been outside of Idaho or Utah (since those're practically the same). Washington and Oregon especially. I've got that Elvish sea-longing. I was happy there. Genuinely, honest-to-god happy. I somehow found it within myself to actually connect with people there. I slept so much easier. I was calmer. I just felt right. Like something I didn't even know was missing clicked into place. And then it just fell away after I got back to Idaho. It was an intangible thing. But it made all the difference. The contrast made me even more discontent with my situation here.
These people here - they're strange, honestly. And not the good harmlessly eccentric and expressionistic kind of strange. They frighten me. They're vacant. Trivial. Superficial. It's hard to convey in words, because as I said, it's intangible. But it's very real to me. (And please know that these are generalizations - I've met a handful of people very much worth getting to know. But they are few and far in between.)
To know what else is out there, and there's something so much better - it destroys me. But I know that I am leaving. I know it.
There isn't much I'll be missing. Huge exception: Mistah James Facer, since I share a lot with him, and he has a capability to care for others that is so rare for his age. I really appreciate that kid. Dem Facers. I'll miss them. James, if you're reading this, know that I've been grateful for even just having your presence in my life. I'll miss you so much. And I hope that even after I leave, we can talk for hours on facebook chat, because that's so much better than nothing.
So, my current goals are: keep eating regularly and healthfully, and do whatever it takes (short of pulling a Health Ledger) to get some fucking rest. Because eating and sleeping are vital to controlling my OCD, depression, and anxiety. I may be a constant knot of tension and anxiety and perpetually close to tears, but I'll be goddamned if I don't have more hope than before.
Oh, just a little note - I am addicted to fitblr! So I have a fitness tumblr blog now. (Shut up, the irony is not lost on me.) It's really new, so I've only got a few things on it, but I'll be posting recipes, workouts, motivational stuff, etc. It's about health and feeling good. Kinda focuses on veganism, though. It'll be therapeutic for me. (I'll get more content on it soon, promise!)
http://bestillmyveganheart.tumblr.com
